Too much time

I’m sorry, ok? I’m sorry for everything I’ve done. I’m sorry for loving you. I loved an idea. The idea of a man you could be for me. I saw only what I wanted to see.

I’m sorry for loving your skin, your long bones, your fingers, your hands, your back, your lovely hair, your mouth and your eyes.

I’m so sorry for spending my nights with you. For fighting with my mom to come to you. She knew everything. She knew from the beginning I was seeing you. She knew if I leave at 11 pm the house it’s to come to you.

I’m sorry for being there for you every time you needed me, every time you needed comfort and relaxation. I’m sorry I called you “my quietude oasis”.

I’m sorry for caressing your skin without getting bored, for listening for your advice over and over again. I’m sorry for letting you think I’m stupid, young and innocent. I’m sorry I let you see I love you. I’m sorry for crying turned back from your eyes. I’m sorry for pissing you off with my fear of people or their judgment. I’m sorry for not rewarding you after helping me change my life. If you have stayed a little longer I would have repaid you more than you ever dreamed. I was planning that carefully. I’m sorry for missing you and for emailing you like an idiot. Heart broken idiot I was.

I’m sorry for following your rules all the time, always play by your rules. Never to show you how I think and what I want to do, what I am capable of doing. I’m sorry for all I ever gave you.

I’m sorry for not breaking your heart as you did to me. I’m sorry I never stole your money or something else. If I ever meet a guy like you I will break him! I will keep in mind your figure and break him into so many pieces he won’t recover. You think you are so good, so smart, PERFECT! You’re not perfect! Not at all! You’re just a fucked up narcissist, arrogant, insecure, fucked by his own childhood, never trusting people even those who slept with him. Bipolar and jealous, so mean when you run out of money. Capable of breaking people for money.

I’m sorry, ok? Sorry for giving you money to buy cigarettes. Those were my reserve money, money for exceptional/urgent matters. I’m sorry for answering your questions and staying with my body and soul uncovered in front of you. Always trusting you: my body, my heart, my brain, my wallet, my friends. Loving a fucking selfish man! You are capable only of loving yourself! You bet you haven’t loved before. You simply CAN’T!

You think you are good?

I wish I told you that you’re a bad kisser, I don’t like the way you make love, the way you talk, the way you cook, the way you take a bath. I wish I never told you I am sincere with you, not sleeping with other people because I believed we were having a relationship, a unconventional one, a special one with a special person. I was on the edge for you, so close of death because I thought I had no future without you, that I won’t make it until next morning. So many nights going to sleep and waking up crying for you.

I loved your actions, your body, your mind. I wish I have told you I HATE you!

If we ever meet again and you will say HI I will say that I don’t know you. LEAVE ME alone!

I don’t need you to be happy! I rejected so many boys who really cared for me because I was still thinking about you. Being miserable because I loved an idea of man. So stupid in love.

2 years now. Still feeling sad, still feeling incomplete without you in my phone or life. I still got my memories with you and they terrorize me daily. Why can’t I be happy without you? Someone wants me broken, wants me helpless and I believe it’s you. What have I done wrong? Was my love something that hurt you? I will not let this happen. No man will hurt me as you did! No friend will leave me as you did or make me feel bad about myself. You all think I’m stupid, I’m not noticing things around me. I’m not seeing you how you try to cheat on me, to break me in all means. I won’t let anyone try to put me down when I worked so hard to get here. Do you know how it’s like to work 13 hours per day on this fucking laptop in order to buy food, clothes, pay 2 bills and afford waxing? Do you know how’s like when your parents run out of money and you are their only hope for finishing the project they have in mind for your home? When the handyman tells them he needs more materials and your mom gets pale because the money are gone? Go ahead, Oana, work another day, another week, another month to land them money to change something, to afford living! You see me making progress and now you want to be there for me? I don’t know you as I said before. You can’t simply appear after so much time and reap all I worked for all alone. I fought myself every single day in order to make something of myself, to learn online, to create a fucking empire! You’re not allowed here anymore! nor welcome or loved! So many foreign people were by my side, asking me daily or weekly how I feel, how my life is going, what are my plans. I felt them close as you once did. I’ll never love someone as I did with you. People simply don’t deserve my love, my dedication, my mind, my body, my ideas. I’ll never trust someone as I did with you. You broke me! I was so kind, so gentle, so female…You broke me…

I’m sorry. For everything! For this 2 years I spent visualizing you by my side all the time. Every time I see a tall guy my heart stops: what if it’s YOU? Every time I am waiting for the subway or the train I imagine that I could see you, see you smiling to me or even talk to me. I’m an idiot, don’t I? An idiot who can’t speak English, right? I’ll never do.

Someday I will see you again and you won’t believe that it’s really ME! I assure you!

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